|
You may find this helpful around the
house/garage....
DRILL PRESS: A tall
upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your
hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your soda across the room,
splattering it against that freshly-stained
heirloom piece you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then
throws them somewhere under the workbench
with the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses
from fingers in about the time it takes you
to say, 'Yeouw....'
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for
spinning pop rivets in their holes until you
die of old age, or for perforating something
behind and beyond the original intended
target object.
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to
make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool
commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs
into major refinishing jobs. Caution: Avoid
using for manicures.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools
built for frustration enhancement. It
transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you
attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to
completely round off bolt heads. If nothing
else is available, they can also be used to
transfer intense welding heat to the palm of
your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves
used to prolong the conduction of intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for
lighting various flammable objects in your
shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside the wheel hub you want the
bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on
older British cars and motorcycles, they are
now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16
or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the
last 45 minutes.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool
commonly used to launch wood projectiles for
testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an
automobile to the ground after you have
installed your new brake shoes, trapping the
jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 4X4: Used for
levering an automobile upward off of a
trapped hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters
and wire wheel wires.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten
times harder than any known drill bit that
snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby
ending any possible future use.
RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw
primarily used by most shops to scare
neophytes into choosing another line of
work.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the
maximum tensile strength of everything you
forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very
large pry bar that inexplicably has an
accurately machined screwdriver tip on the
end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own
tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop
light, it is a good source of vitamin D,
'the sunshine vitamin,' which is not
otherwise found under cars at night. Health
benefits aside, its main purpose is to
consume 40- watt light bulbs at about the
same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might
be used during, say, the first few hours of
the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark
than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
The accessory socket within the base, has
been permanently rendered useless, unless
requiring a source of 117vac power to shock
the mechanic
senseless.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab
the vacuum seals under lids, opening
old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and
splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be
used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening
paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common
slotted screws into non-removable screws.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy
produced in a coal-burning power plant 200
miles away and transforms it into compressed
air that travels by hose to a Chicago
Pneumatic impact gun that grips rusty bolts
which were last over tightened 40 years ago
by someone at VW, and instantly rounds
off their heads. Also used to quickly snap
off lug nuts.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal
surrounding that clip or bracket you needed
to remove in order to replace a 50 cent
part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too
short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of
war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind
of divining rod to locate the most expensive
parts adjacent to the object we are trying
to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice
through the contents of cardboard cartons
delivered to your front door; works
particularly well on contents such as seats,
vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and
rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful
for slicing work clothes, but only while in
use. It is also useful for removing large
chunks of human flesh from the user's hands.
DAMMIT TOOL: (I have lot's of these) Any
handy tool that you grab and throw across
the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top
of your lungs. It is also, most often, the
next tool that you will need after a really
big hammer
|